The boundary bat…

Hi Everyone,

Something I have witnessed over the years is a phenomenon I named “the boundary bat.”

A friend had been going to therapy and learning healthy boundaries for the first time. Like so many people I’ve seen over the years (including myself!), she got pretty militant about enforcing her new boundaries.

And I’ve seen this a thousand times.

Often, when someone learns new boundaries, they wait for the old “boundary violators” with an attitude like Clint Eastwood’s character, Dirty Harry, saying, “Make my day!” “Just try it!” “I’m ready to refuse you!”

Getting a little feisty is a way of dealing with the initial discomfort of learning to say “no.” The anger never lasts. As people get more comfortable being honest, the interactions lose their drama. A simple, “Sorry, I can’t,” will suffice.

But at this particular time, my friend was in full “Dirty Harry mode, “as I call it. So we got her a big green plastic baseball bat and told her it was the “boundary bat” that she could use to bang on an inanimate object anytime she was mad about something being asked of her!

We all had a good laugh. It helped her put things in perspective, and she eventually became quite comfortable being honest with people about what she could and couldn’t do.

I’ve gone through the pain of learning to say “no” too.  I was a “yes” girl, a “sorry if I don’t please you” person in my younger days. I was such an empath that I learned to sacrifice my own well-being, give money I didn’t have, and share time I didn’t want to give. If it made someone else happy, then I didn’t have to feel their pain or displeasure.

That now seems absurd, but it was very real to me then.

The angels repeatedly worked with me to understand that I did not have the power to “make” someone feel anything—good or bad. They reminded me that I could not crawl between their ears and adjust their brain, sending the right signals and shifting their chemistry to “make” a mood.

That was hard to accept at first.

I wanted to believe I could “make” someone feel good. In reality, I could inspire them to feel good in a given moment by doing what they wanted, but the moment I stopped, they were back to feeling miserable.

I was training people, innocently and inadvertently, to give me their power to make them happy and crucify me when they weren’t. It wasn’t my intention, but it was the energetic dynamic between us.

Now, I’m honest.

I give a lot from the abundance of love and joy in my life, but when I need a refill or have other priorities, I’m sincere about what I can and can’t do. Most people appreciate that honesty. Some are disappointed with me, and the rare few have taken it upon themselves to point out how selfish I am for not doing what they want 🙂

As the angels like to say, others’ opinions about us are none of our business.

What matters is our relationship with our own light. Get that right, and you’ll have loving reactions with the majority of the people in your life, while a few unbalanced ones may drop away. And that is OK.

Better to be centered in your soulful self than sacrifice inauthentically for fear of being called selfish.

The world needs our light right now.

And this year, more than ever before, I’ve seen lightworkers backing away from unbalanced relationships in which they gave, and others simply took. Universally, it seems the lightworkers are evolving and wanting relationships that are balanced, mutually uplifting, and fulfilling.

“It is about time,” the angels say!

Some have their version of the “boundary bat” going on, some don’t. But in either case, becoming more honest with ourselves and others is a kinder way to live.

Here are some thoughts about boundaries I’ve learned from the angels that will help you become more comfortable with them if you are not.

1.  Boundaries help people understand you

If you don’t communicate honestly and have clear boundaries, people are left to guess what is OK with you and what isn’t.

If you’ve said yes your whole life and now you’re saying no, they’ll be confused and maybe even hurt. A little kind explanation goes a long way.

“I know I’ve been there for you for years, but lately I need to take more time for my own well-being. I still love you, but I can’t be as available as I once was.”

And then it is up to them to believe you or not, but you have done your part.

2. Rehearse saying “no” to become more comfortable with it

If you have to disappoint someone, whether by declining an invitation or not being available, it helps to rehearse ways of saying what you need to say honestly and kindly. Get help if you must.

The more comfortable you are with your “no,” the more the other person will understand it isn’t negotiable.

3. Play the role you wish to play in another’s life

One of my dear clients is a brilliant casting director. It is her job to assign roles to people who can play them well. And that’s beautiful if you’re in the movie industry.

But in our lives, it is far too easy to get sucked into the role others want us to play.

In 1968, a psychiatrist named Stephen B. Karpman came up with what I call the “Victim V.”

Imagine the letter “V.” When someone feels victimized in their life, whether real or perceived, imagine they sit at the bottom of the “V.” At the top of each leg of the “V” are two roles that will be assigned to nearly everyone in their lives. Karpman called these the “rescuer” and the “persecutor.”

If you do what they want, they think of you as the rescuer. If not, they can easily treat you like the persecutor.

This is why a person may love you as long as you please them, but then suddenly dislike you the minute you don’t.

Until they elevate themselves above the role of victim, they cast others in their own play.

But as the angels often remind us, that is not our business.

What is our business is the role we choose to play in another’s life.

I often help people, but I am not their rescuer. I disappoint people at times, but I am not their persecutor. I am simply a soul who knows who I am, what I need, and how to keep my own light on so I can live and serve in joy.

So rather than allowing others to cast you as a supporting actor or actress in their play, decide what role you want to play, how and when you will show up—or if you will at all.

The moment we decide how or when we authentically want to show up for others is the moment we get off the top of that “V” and start living our lives without worrying about the labels and roles others want to assign us.

I don’t think any of us like to disappoint people, but at times, to be honest, we must.

And that is not only OK, but a higher form of love based on deep authenticity. It is a form of love that knows our own worthiness and sees others as the Divine does—with all that they need available to them, whether we are the delivery person or not.

So if you’re feeling a little uppity about one-sided relationships, know you’re not alone. A majority of people I’ve talked to have expressed this sentiment lately.

It is time to tend to our light, be more honest with life, and trust that everyone has access to the love that sources universes±—the love that can help us, others, and all beings equally.