Investing in relationships…without making them transactional

I’m getting a kick out of the angels’ latest analogy about investing our energy. I can think of so many people in my thirties that I “invested” energy in, with not-so-great returns. I started out wisely. I started out truly loving these people. I “invested” real love, real appreciation, and a real focus on their positive qualities and capabilities. I started out seeing the light in these souls and wanting to help them see it.

But inevitably, I shifted from loving into making them a project. And we all know that doesn’t end well!

When simply loving, appreciating, and building them up didn’t work, I invested more physical energy. I became a yes-woman. I did what they wanted, built websites for them, lent them money, shared them with my people, and did all I could to help them become what I saw they could be.  I had switched from good energetic investments into physical investments without great energy. In fact, I was no longer investing “loving” energy, if I’m honest. As one wise woman pointed out, I was “giving to get”—hoping that my constant giving, even while secretly frustrated, sad, and upset, would yield a positive, loving return. Instead, I got more frustrated, sad, and upset.

Knowing energy as I do now, that was not a wise way to “invest!” Inevitably, I had to withdraw my energy and move along. In time, I learned self-worth and self-love. I started to “invest” my love in all relationships, but developed the discernment to know which ones were important enough to me that I was willing to grow into an even more loving person, versus which ones were simply not worth my time.

No one can make this decision for us. Our hearts know. As we honor our truth and stop trying to change others, relationships cease to be transactional. We no longer give to get, but rather invest our love because we want to be loving people, and we know that being loving will yield returns—if not from the person we love, from life itself. And when that is not worth the effort for us, and only we can make that decision, we are free to move on.

I have met many clients who loved difficult people and situations—spouses, kids, even workplaces—because they felt it worthwhile to be that loving person rather than leave.

I’ve also seen thousands of situations where it was time to move on from a difficult relationship because the person had mastered being loving in it, nothing was changing, and they wanted more.

There isn’t a rule about the right or wrong time to stay or leave, except this:

Have we invested our love into ourselves and the relationship enough to be satisfied that if we leave, we do so with love and appreciation, and if we stay, we do so with love and appreciation?

Because when we invest in love and appreciation either way, life will give us more to love and appreciate. And if you can’t love and appreciate another, even for the growth they’ve inspired, love and appreciate yourself.

Vibration is vibration, regardless of the object.

This is a tricky subject. We’ve seen so many transactional relationships that they almost seem normal. “I love you, so you should love me.” “I give to you so you will see and appreciate and give back to me.” “I put up with you because you take care of me,” and so on.

A more honest way of relating is far simpler and more soulfully honest:

I am me, and you are you.
Do we want to do the dance we do?

If we invest our energy in love, the universe will love us back whether one person does or not.

Here are a few helpful ways to “invest wisely” when you’re dealing with difficult people.

1.  When others invest in bullying and arguing, invest in compassionate silence.

When others want to be argumentative and force their views on you, let them argue. Listen. Remain silent. You don’t have to justify your disagreement. You don’t have to justify your subsequent action or inaction. You don’t have to force them to agree with you. You can simply invest in kind energy. “Thank you for sharing that perspective. You’ve given me a lot to think about.” End of discussion. No further argument needed.

There’s no need to invest in a dance of egos. Far better to simply remain invested in self-love and kindness.

2. When you want others to change, invest in kindness and the energy of offering.

No one likes to have an opinion or a worry pushed upon them. When you want someone else to change, far better to offer your opinion as a gift for the receiver to use or not. “I love you. I see you struggling. Have you considered this?” Or, “When I went through something similiar, this worked for me,” or “May I send you an article with some good ideas?”

These are, of course, oversimplified in many cases, but the idea is to invest our energy—not in forcing another to change—but in offering kind and loving suggestions for their consideration. When we truly trust that they have a soul, an inner compass, and the same Divine source that loves and guides them as we do, we can stop trying to be their savior, fixer, healer, teacher. We can relax and simply be someone who loves them and wants the best for them, while allowing them to decide how they will live their lives.

3. No matter what, invest in self-love.

When dealing with difficult people, I often give myself a time-out! You may choose not to be around them for a while or to engage only at superficial levels. At work, you may remain coolly but kindly professional. You need not engage with another at the level they want to engage. You get to choose when and how you invest your energy, so give yourself permission to do it wisely.

This may mean calling someone only when you’re in a genuinely loving mood. It may mean disengaging from a conversation with a child when you sense yourself becoming angered and demonstrating to them that you want to talk only when you can remain calm. It may mean ghosting someone who can’t be kind! No matter what, be kind to yourself first because self-love is always an investment with wise returns.

I don’t think of people as objects to be manipulated, saved, fixed, or redeemed. I now see us all as quirky, often-wonderful, and sometimes totally incompatible incarnations of the Divine. Everyone has a right to be themselves and to do what they do.

But I have a right, too—to invest my energy in love, appreciation, and vibes that elevate my soul. You do too. In doing so, the return is that we tend to repel the people who don’t belong in our lives, draw closer to the ones who do, and attract more who resonate and offer loving “returns” for the love we invest in life.