From Fiery to Free

I don’t watch the news, but when a big event happens, I feel it first—and then someone tells me about it. That was the case this week, as the world watched one young man shoot another. It was horrific to see two lives destroyed in an instant. The cries of “Why?” arose, and waves of devastation rippled through the hearts of those who care about kindness.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. This was yet another event that shook people to the core. And no matter which perspective you align with, I think we all know in our hearts that violence is wrong. Yet all of us, without exception, have participated in that vibration at some point. I haven’t met a soul who hasn’t erupted in anger at least once—including me.

Lately, many kind, empathic souls have confessed to feeling edgy, less tolerant, and prone to bursts of anger. I’ve had to watch my thoughts carefully, too. There is an energy tempting us to stray from love—much like Darth Vader tempting Luke to “use his anger” and join “the dark side of the force.”  Don’t give in when you can avoid it.

A flash of anger is a fairly normal human response to something that knocks us out of our own alignment. But sustained anger is unnatural and runs contrary to our essence. If you ever feel trapped in it, interrupt the pattern: nap, move your body, tackle a task requiring focus.

Years ago, I shocked myself out of a mind-spinning upset by jumping into my pool in winter, fully clothed. It worked—but I don’t recommend it!  I wasn’t doing ice baths back then, so I shivered uncomfortably for an hour while contemplating how I had allowed myself to spiral into that state. Interrupting your pattern need not be that dramatic. Better to take a nap, listen to a song, exercise, punch pillows, or do something constructive to either burn off the anger or distract yourself from it.

I’ll never forget a fiery outburst that occurred 40 years ago and the humorous way in which I handled it! I was newly engaged and very Catholic. I told my fiancé’s friends who were planning the bachelor party that I was OK with everything but strippers. “Oh no, don’t worry,” they reassured me.  So when my beloved fiancé was dropped off after the party—stinking drunk, looking guilty, and with a blue ribbon tied to his jeans, I blew a seam. I raged and cried. I slept on the couch. I nearly called off the marriage. I had been chaste for 24 years and then this?

One part of me knew I was justifiably upset. No one likes to be lied to. Another less rational part wanted to commit axe murder. I needed to stop the steaming train of thoughts, so I gave myself an intervention. I weeded the entire yard. And we’re not talking dandelions!  I pulled out the sharpest garden hoe in the garage and dug up four-foot tumbleweeds, creosote bushes, and other desert plants known for their tenacious hold on the soil. At the end of the day, I was exhausted but calm enough to “dialogue about the differences.” He hadn’t known what the friends were up to, and because they drove, had no escape. The communication led us back to love.

Today, decades later, I’ve learned to stand firm in the face of anger. When confronted by people trying to bully or manipulate me, I remain calm, ask if they’re done, and let their upset bounce off me. I’m the rock that won’t roll and a shiny mirror that lets them see themselves more clearly. When I’m able, I imagine loving flowing through me to them. When I’m not, I simply stand in my own light. I’ve come to understand what the angels have always taught:  It is far kinder to ourselves not to dance with darkness, and instead to flow love or speak in the light.

Here are a few tips for diffusing anger without stuffing it:

1.  Acknowledge your feelings.

There is no use pretending you don’t feel upset when you do. There’s no point in judging yourself for it, wishing you felt differently, or making yourself wrong.

Instead, own it: “I’m angry. I’m upset. I feel victimized.” Then breathe. Remind yourself that this incident is one moment in a much larger life. Don’t judge yourself for being upset.

Make peace with being human.

2. Find a healthy outlet

Anger is forceful energy that requires release… or a strong ability to refocus.

If you can shift your mind to something better and drop the anger, do so. If you can’t, however, love yourself enough to find a healthy way to release it.  You can punch pillows, vacuum vehemently, exercise, walk vigorously, sing loudly, play music, or create cathartic poetry or art.  You can journal or write the letters you’d never send, then shred them.

You can pour the pent-up energy into a project.  Clean the junk drawer. Weed the closet. Sort through your inbox, or do yardwork. My mom used to make homemade bread and bang it vigorously on the counter when she was upset!

However you do it, find a healthy, non-harmful way to release the energy.

3. Treat yourself kindly

Anger feels like a storm raging through your body and mind. It unleashes a torrent of chemicals in your system. Once it passes, you may feel drained or out of sorts. This is the time to treat yourself and your body kindly. Hydrate. Take an Epsom salt bath, or shower, and imagine washing dense energy down the drain. Put on something cozy.

By nurturing yourself, you counteract the effects of the passing storm and more quickly return to self-love.

Only after returning to our loving center can we communicate effectively and kindly, or become part of the peace through our prayers.

Our differences were meant to be part of life on earth. The battles over “right” and “wrong” have led to unthinkable violence. Yet more and more people are realizing we’re not just liberals or conservatives, one race or another, one belief system or another. At our core—we’re human beings. I speak to people of so many different beliefs and persuasions, and deep down, we all want the same things. We all want to feel safe, abundant, loved, and good about ourselves. Some will “fight for love,” or “fight for right,” but such battles cannot be won if we engage in the denser energies that inspire them.

We can be light that renders darkness powerless. For in the presence of pure light, there is no darkness; in pure love, no hate; and in powerful peace, no sustainable vibration of war or violence. May all beings know this peace.