Being a Selective Empath

I laughed at the angel’s last sentence—”You can become a tuner extraordinaire!” How fun. They’re not kidding about the benefits of learning to manage our focus, especially those of you who are deeply empathic. 

Years ago, I learned to use the 3D paradigm to describe empathy and how to manage it. I used to say, “I picked up” another’s negativity or “I took on” their pain.  It was a useful metaphor. However, it never made me feel too wonderful because that meant I had to find a way to “clear” my energy, “take out the trash,” or “transmute it.” And that was work.

I now realize that any process of clearing I used was, in effect, helping me focus off the negativity and onto a better-feeling reality. The paradigm of “clearing,” however, by its very nature, focused on the muck I was clearing and wanting to be rid of—and therefore, the process of feeling better took much longer than it does now.

Think of it this way. If you watched a horrible movie and wanted to feel better, it takes work to “clear” the memory. The more you try not to think of it, the more you do think of it. But if you focus on something better, like ice cream in my case, and the deliciousness of a good creamy coffee ice cream in a dish with chocolate syrup, or a great cherry ice cream with real cherries and a dollop of freshly whipped cream…. well, what movie? What memory?

By not fighting the bad memories or bad feelings, but distracting ourselves with something better, we switch our vibration much more easily.  I had a good friend who used to do this with her young child at restaurants. The little girl would want to start dumping out the salt and pepper onto the table or play with her food. It is fun when you are two to make a mess! Rather than saying “no” and getting into an emotional tug of war, her mom would distract her. “Oops, I knocked over the sugar packets. You are so good at putting things away. Will you help me put them away? Great job! I’m so proud of you!” I was in awe at her parenting brilliance often.

It stands to reason that refocusing helps us feel better more quickly than fighting a vibration or trying to clear it. If we fight something or focus on getting rid of it, we’re still tuned into it. If we try to “clear” the words of an argument, we are still thinking about the argument. If we try to clear the angry energy someone aimed at us, we’re still thinking about their anger while doing it.  It takes a while for us to refocus sufficiently to feel better. If, however, we switch our focus to something that feels better, amazingly, we can feel better quickly, having de-focused from the negative vibe.

This is also why going to compassionate healers who “clear” us is often a wonderful idea. As we focus on the comfort of their loving vibe more easily than the negative energy someone aimed at us, we feel better because we’re turning into the frequency of love and kindness.

This love is the gift compassionate healers offer in every “clearing ritual.” The healer gives the gift of helping the person focus on feeling better until they do. Whether you use sage, sound, aromatherapy, or a gazillion other techniques the processes we use to clear are really processes to help us re-focus our energy on these higher, happier vibrations. Beautiful sound is a high vibe. Sweet scents have a high vibe. Energy healing treatments bring in high vibes. Sage is a high vibe. Whatever we use, it is our focus on these higher-vibe tools that elevate us beyond the lower vibes. Choose what works for you!

I saw this principle of refocusing to “clear” very clearly one day several years ago after I received a hateful email missive from someone accusing me of having a sordid lifestyle that now has me rolling in fits of laughter. Looking back, this person’s notions of me were absurd but at the time they shocked me to my core. I wandered through the house feeling utterly lost and hurt. How could anyone think this? I needed to clear. I started to breathe to “clear my energy,” but the ugly accusations swirled in my mind. I got out my sage but couldn’t focus on it sufficiently. I wanted to feel better as soon as possible, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t shake the energy of this person’s hatefulness no matter how I tried to “clear’ it.

I heard the angels in my head, “Focus on something better.” I looked around. I had wandered into my newly remodeled bathroom. This isn’t terribly dignified, but the first thing I noticed was the brand new toilet that had replaced one decades old. I re-focused! I started speaking of my appreciate out loud. “I love that new toilet! It is so white and beautiful and works so well. It fits the new decor perfectly…” I was feeling better by the sentence. Suddenly, I could not help but laugh. How completely perfect that I had re-focused on something that flushed! The shift in focus shifted me off the sh**ty focus!  I felt better instantly. In fact, instead of pain, I felt compassion for the person who wrote the nasty letter. How sad to be so angry. It all shifted in that moment of re-focusing. From then on, I’ve practiced shifting my energy anytime I notice I’ve started to “pick up,” as in “tune into” something that does not feel good.

Frequently, people want you to feel what they’re feeling. Instead, I focus on something that feels like love and then emanate love and compassion,as the angels taught me. In readings, I can easily be with people who are upset or scared without “taking it on” or more accurately “tuning in” to the pain. Instead I do my best to emanate love and compassion which often provides soothing and sometimes even complete healing of the upset as the person becomes more able to focus on a kinder reality.

This paradigm shift in my understanding of empathy took me a while to learn and practice, but it has been rewarding and empowering.

I no longer feel like a “dumping ground” but rather a sensitive soul who has learned to choose my focus and feel better almost instantly. The skill comes in handy with the world being as wild as it is. You can observe anything and focus on love or compassion. You can be with people who are sick or upset and focus on caring, which always feels better to you both. You can still avoid many things and situations you don’t enjoy, but when you’re stuck with a vibe you don’t like, it is a comfort to know you can avoid “taking it on” and simply refocus.

Here are a few pointers to help you enjoy being an empath:

1.  “Pull your energy back to center,” or more accurately,
Tune back into yourself often

The angels taught me a visual metaphor that helps me refocus my energy on myself and my own thoughts and feelings rather than those all around me. It uses a 3D visual, but it works, and anything that helps you refocus on the more loving vibes is worth trying.

Imagine your energy field radiating outward in all directions for long distances. Then, like a child sucking spaghetti into their mouth, imagine pulling all those “rays” back into a column of light around your spine or into your center at the solar plexus. Any visual that helps you imagine pulling your energy closer to your center works. Now breathe as if you can breathe into your spine or the area of your solar plexus. With every in-breath, imagine pulling your energy back into your center.

In truth, this is a way to refocus on ourselves and shift our antennae from the outer world back to our own essence. In doing so, we become aware of our own thoughts and feelings and our own desires, rather than the energies that the world projects.

If you practice this little visualization often, you will be able to quickly tune into yourself, even when you feel others tugging and pulling for your attention and agreement.

2. Emanate love

This practice is easy and feels amazing. It helps you be the light rather than “picking up” on lower vibrations!

Simply imagine a stream of light pouring into the top of your head and emanating outward from you, perhaps running out through your hands and heart. The flow comes from the Divine, goes through you, and pours out of you. That’s it.

Next time you are in line beside someone impatient or agitated, and you feel their upset, do this. Imagine the light flowing into you and then out from your heart or hands. Just imagine that stream of light pouring through you and aim it at the person in the lower vibe. They’ll feel better, calm down, or leave you alone if they don’t want the light. And you will feel better.

I have clients who have done this to calm their kids or coworkers. I have a client who emanates love in meetings where there are diverse and conflicting opinions. As a result, she often experiences much kinder and more productive discussions. I’ve used it with bugs, frogs, and other animals to say, “I come in peace,” as a result, they’ve let me get very close and allowed me to take their cute little pictures.  Friends and I even used it when an ex-felon moved next door to them. He often came over drunk and shared insults. After we started aiming light his way, he moved four months later. He didn’t want the light.

Emanating light/love is a beautiful way to elevate a situation rather than being dragged down.

3. Practice the fine art of focus

If you want a pretty picture, focus your camera on something pleasing. If you want music you enjoy, tune your radio into a station you like. And if you want to feel good vibes, focus on something that feels better. If someone grabbed your camera and started taking pictures, you may or may not like their choices. Same for handing the tuner of your radio to total strangers!  You may not like what you get. But if you take charge of your focus and your tuning, you can guarantee a more pleasing experience of life.

Throughout the day, look for things to focus on or think of things that feel good. If you like, make a list of “your favorite things” and leave it on your phone to read when you need an upper. Make a happy Pinterest board.  Fill an album on your phone with photos that inspire you, or make a YouTube playlist of things that raise you up. In whatever way you find pleasing, find things to please you, and even better, collect things, thoughts, photos, or songs that please you. Carry a few crystals if you like, or uplifting quotes. Have vibe-raisers at the ready. The more you practice tuning into pleasing things, the more you can do it when things less than pleasing make their way into your field.

The world isn’t going to hand us only the vibrations we like to feel. We can avoid many unpleasant ones by choosing not to watch things we don’t like or be in situations that don’t feel great, but unless we hide out completely, we will run into vibes we’d rather not feel.

Having practiced the art of focus, you need not fear the world’s negativity.

Empathic freedom comes from focus!  I now love being the sensitive soul that I am, and I no longer feel at the mercy of the vibes around me. You can be in the world but not of it. You can have things in your personal life that challenge you or people around you in pain, and you can be the one to lift the vibe rather than being dragged down by it.

You can be an empath and love tuning into love!