Loving yourself through it all

The holidays always make me laugh at myself as I watch my mind and heart play tug-of-war. I spend four days hauling boxes and decorating, and inevitably, somewhere in the middle, I wonder if I’ve gone completely off the deep end. But then, when the trees are glowing, and the twinkle lights frame the windows, I feel an indescribable peace and joy. I smile everywhere I look. I enjoy having friends over. My heart wins, and my soul agrees. It isn’t for everyone, but it is in alignment for me.

Likewise, I go overboard for Thanksgiving and allow myself the joy of it, late nights and long hours included. The result is always a day of beautiful memories with friends gathered around the table. I cook ahead for two weeks, fill the freezer. The table is set days in advance, heightening the sense of anticipation. The house sparkles. We email jokes about the “rolls being in the building.” This year, a friend named the bird, and we all gave thanks to his spirit.

On the day itself, I awaken to the smell of turkey in the old-fashioned-style roaster, done to perfection. By the time my friends arrive, the food is warming in the oven, the kitchen is tidy, and I’m holding my traditional half-glass of champagne… because gravy and soup don’t require a whole bottle, and it would be a shame for it to go to waste!   After doing this for nearly 30 years, I have it down to a science and am able to relax and just “be” with those I hold dear. We dress up, take our annual photos, and then surrender to laughter and good food. Even after the meal, sitting there in our happy food comas, more laughter ensues as we share our stories and catch up with what has been going on in our lives.

This year, we needed the gathering, peace, and camaraderie more than ever. Each of us faced major challenges but somehow got through them, and managed to carve out time for more of what we love. Two found wonderful new jobs. One traveled more to pursue her passion. Another fell in love. And without exception, we’ve all been supporting others along the way. So while the world doing its thing, we enjoyed a day basking in friendship and fine food.

After everyone leaves, I often sit in silence, a mug of cocoa in hand, watching the twinkling lights and giving thanks for the peace and the lovethat fill the space. Life hasn’t been easy this year for many. But life is good.

And in even my overboard, holiday craziness, I am in alignment with my soul.

What is true for you may be completely different. What feels right to you may have nothing to do with what is authentic for me. As the younger folks say, “You do you boo.”  I love that phrase. If we all were able to just “be” ourselves, the world would be a richer and kinder place.

Furthermore, what is authentic one day can shift the next. As much as I adore the celebrations and camaraderie, I also enjoy a full day of silence during the holiday break to reconnect with my own heart after months of helping others find theirs. Even in the woods, I am social much of the time, but during my “home retreat days,” it is just “me, myself, and I.”  I sleep in, wake up slowly, lounge, and savor my tea while enjoying the vivid green winter grass in the yard. I processed herbs from the garden and reorganized the kitchen cabinets. In the midst of silent gratitude, I burst into tears, overwhelmed with the joy of reconnection with self and soul. It was beautiful.

These days, my upsets are small compared to what others face, but I no longer judge them. Recently, an app malfunctioned during a short lunch break I set aside for a task, and I was not thrilled. In fact, I was near a tantrum. Then it dawned on me: I needed to acknowledge the frustration, hug myself, and intend better. I walked into the garden, had a snack, sipped some tea, watched a YouTube video, and in that state of surrender received ideas for a workaround.

When a dear one nearly died, I remained strong except for a few moments when the weight of what was occurring crashed in on me. I wrapped myself in a blanket, had a good cry, and then remembered how those I’ve “lost” are with me every day. I remembered I had the power to support life and light, and in that moment of simply loving myself, I was able to reconnect with the energy that supports life.

Whether you feel good, bad, or indifferent, it is important to acknowledge your feelings, allow yourself to be yourself, and then do what feels loving to you. 

When you feel down or upset, be kind to yourself. When you feel truly good, allow for the joy. Instead of calibrating ourselves to others—their moods, expectations, and beliefs—it is important to calibrate to our own soul. In doing so, we lift ourselves and inspire others who are willing to be inspired. We become more patient, compassionate, and tolerant when we love ourselves.  We can “be” with people who are down when we accept our own difficult feelings, and we can celebrate those who feel good when we allow ourselves our own joy.

It is in such radical self-acceptance that we find the grace to accept others as they are, too, and to simply decide who and what belongs in our lives. It is in this choice to love ourselves as we are that we naturally rise and more easily find better feelings.

The holidays are emotionally charged in so many ways, both wonderful and challenging. Enjoy a few pointers here to help you navigate all your feelings with grace:

1.  Instead of over-analyzing your feelings, accept them

Many of us were raised to stuff difficult feelings or were talked out of having them. We were told not to pout, not to cry, to be strong, or not to feel too sad. We received messages telling us what was “acceptable” to feel. Some of us were even told to tone down our joy!

To survive such insensitivity, we faked smiles, withdrew, appeared nonchalant, or rebelled silently.

But no matter how we were taught not to feel, we DO feel. And that is not only OK—it is essential. Our emotions are part of our GPS (God Positioning System), showing whether we’re looking through the eyes of our soul, calibrated to our true loving nature… or not.

Resolve, as best you can, to accept your feelings with love and compassion. Try to stop the guilt trips, the shame and blame games, and to speak back to the voices of the past that try to tell you how, when, and where you should feel. You are who you are in a given moment.

As you accept that and love yourself through it, you naturally rise.

2. Make friends with your feelings. Love yourself through them

The angels always encourage us to reach for the next best feeling. Often we can. But what about when we can’t? When we’re not ready? When we want to hold onto anger, replay injustices, or are so deep in grief that we can’t find light? What then?

Over the years, the angels taught me to treat my feelings like friends.  Being me,  I developed a safe, healthy, and humorous way to trick myself into letting go of the unpleasant ones, even when I feel I can’t. It involves using reverse psychology on myself:

For a short time, I indulge the negative feelings, while I love and accept myself through them. I wail or wallow or rant, while supporting myself through the release.

Have you ever watched a parent trying to calm a screaming child? Telling them to stop crying is like throwing logs on a fire. It doesn’t work. But picking them up, hugging them, and loving them does.  Likewise, when we love ourselves through our feelings, they soften so much more quickly. So when I’m upset, I call in my angels and jokingly ask them to get out the “cosmic composter” (aka love!). I vent until I’m done. Eventually, I wear it out or burst into laughter at watching myself go full toddler. Even when I’m justified, I’d rather feel better than pour energy into what upset me. Acceptance brings release.

So when I’m upset, I call in my angels, humorously ask them to get out the “cosmic composter” (aka love!), and vent my frustrations until I’m done. Eventually, I wear it out or burst out laughing as I witness the childish tantrum in full swing. Even when I’m justified, I realize that I’d rather feel better than pour energy into what upset me. Acceptance brings release.

Likewise, when I feel sad or unfairly treated, I throw myself a pity party. It involves comfy clothes, cozy socks, tea (or wine and cheese for extreme cases!), a blanket, and a timer. I give myself permission to feel sorry for myself. And given the freedom, I rarely want to stay there long. I want to feel better! It doesn’t take long before my feelings begin to rise naturally.

Years ago, after my dog died, I was in the throes of tears and exhaustion, when I asked to see as the angels see—to look for the love beneath the pain. In the middle of deep sobs, I suddenly felt awe at how profoundly I had loved him. The tears stopped. What remained was pure love. It was the most dramatic emotional shift I’ve ever experienced, and it stayed with me for life.

Our tears are liquid love. When we love ourselves through them, we reach the love beneath.

Years ago, when I was crying after my dog died, I asked to see as the angels do—to know and feel the love beneath the tears.

Years ago, after my dog died, I was in the throes of tears and exhaustion, when I asked to see as the angels see—to know and feel the love beneath the pain. I didn’t take long. Suddenly, in the midst of wracking sobs, I felt a sense of profoundawe at how deeply I had loved. It was beautiful. The tears stopped almost instantly. The grief dissolved. I felt nothing but love and a deep respect for my own soul. It was the most dramatic shift I’d ever experienced, and it stayed with me the rest of my life.

Our love is beautiful.  Our upsets are cries for love. Our tears are liquid love. Our fears are insecurities about love’spresence.  If we love ourselves through these feelings, we can get to the point where there is nothing but love.

So, make friends with your feelings. Love yourself through them and you naturally and more easily will rise. It is nature.

3. Allow yourself joy

Far too often, we talk ourselves out of joy to be “practical” or to please others. But when joy calls, answer it.

If something sounds fun, say yes.
If a place calls you, visit when you can or intend a path there.
If a topic excites you, dive in.
If an inspiration nudges you, follow it.
If you feel like playing Santa, do it.
If you feel like withdrawing, do that.

A few years ago, a friend prone to delightful mischief showed up to Christmas Eve dinner dressed as the Grinch, making us howl with laughter.  Her joy called her to do it, and her joy was infectious!

When your joy calls, honor it.

In this season of love and light, we all feel more. Whether it’s nostalgia, joy, overwhelm, frustration, or grief, it is all OK. Our spirit whispers through these feelings: “Do you see what I see? Do you know what I know?” It wants to help you feel the bliss of your true essence and to witness the good there is to be seen.

So, if you don’t feel good, ask to see through the eyes of your soul. If you do feel good, enjoy it.

While we want to reach for a higher vibe, sometimes the gentlest and kindest path upward is simply to love yourself through the lesser feelings. In that love, we naturally begin to rise and more easily return to love.