Always good enough

So many beautiful, amazing, intelligent, capable, light-filled souls I talk to admit to feeling “not good enough.” They’re sensitive, caring souls who were treated so carelessly, unkindly, or even cruelly that they adopted feelings of unworthiness, even though they are among the most worthy beings I know.

I used to feel “never good enough” myself, and I didn’t even have the kind of abuse so many have endured. I grew up in a conventional home where my sensitive nature wasn’t understood and was often negated. I know many of you did too.

In my book Whispers of the Spirit*, I tell the story of how I got cracked open at a personal growth seminar I despised at the time. The leader nailed me—calling me “not good enough, afraid to be human,” and other things even less kind (but still true). In that moment, I felt she ripped away the perfectionist curtain I showed the world and exposed me as the weak, flawed, imperfect being I secretly believed I was. I wavered between wanting to run and hide or argue for hours. Instead, I calmed down and decided to test her theory by observing myself.

Over the following weeks, I realized she was right. Deep down, I didn’t feel good enough. I worked hard to earn attention. I worked harder when someone was unkind, trying to win back their kindness. I set aside my own well-being to support others. Instead of walking away with dignity, I got upset when people weren’t kind. It wasn’t easy to admit, but it was empowering. If I could see I was reacting from a place of “not enough,” then I could change. And something deep inside drove me to do so.

Thus began my quest to embrace my inner power, light, and true spirit. Months later, on a hike in the jungles of Kauai, I stood watching a waterfall in the distance when the dam inside my heart burst. Tears poured out as I finally saw the truth beneath the lies I had carried all my life: I was good enough. In that moment, I felt one with creation. It was a revelation that set in motion the transformation that made me who I am today—messy, flawed, quirky, imperfect according to many human standards, but perfectly fine in the eyes of the Creator. I like being me. And I like it when you are you!

This Self-acceptance (with a capital “S”) is an acceptance of our true nature.  It is an acceptance of the greater Self, the Divine Self that lives within. It is an acceptance of our perfection in each moment, even as we grow into more.

We were not formed by a capricious, narcissistic creator who shaped us from clay, breathed life into us, and then said, “Good luck. Please me or I’ll punish you.” Those notions dissolve once you experience even a moment of heaven’s love. We are part of Source itself. Imagine if all your fingers felt separate, yet knew they were part of one body. They’d find new ways to cooperate and achieve together. Our differences were designed for that very purpose.

But I digress. Back to worthiness. The person who helped me embrace mine once and for all was someone who treated me in unthinkable ways. They attacked my character, mocked my teachings, devalued the fact that I’d helped them stay alive and embrace their gifts, and threw the longest tantrum I’ve ever witnessed… all because I told them honestly I couldn’t show up in their life the way they wanted me to. It stung for some time until the angels finally got through to me with a simple truth: “Bad food will never taste good. Bad behavior will never feel good. Admit you don’t like it. Stop trying to change it. And remove your attention from it.”

That was hard! We want others to know our love, to be kind, and to see our goodness. But some can’t. Some won’t. And some don’t deserve our attention. This soul turned out to be a blessing in disguise. They taught me not to care about the antics of those who try to bully or manipulate us into roles they want us to play, instead of allowing us to follow our own compass.

No one else will ever make us feel “good enough.” We can’t erase the past, but we can leave it behind—like watching water fall away in the wake of a boat. We can do ceremony, seek therapy, enlist the help of a holistic healer, or simply treat ourselves so kindly that we stop tolerating less. We can stop begging for others’ validation and start validating ourselves. We can sit with Spirit and feel a love so profound it takes our breath away and forever reminds us of our worth.

This may happen in an instant or take years. It takes courage to release the past because it makes us responsible for our present. We can no longer blame the bad actors in the play. We must step into our starring role. It isn’t always easy. But, from experience, I can assure you that everything changes. The people willing to grow will grow with you, and those who aren’t will fall away. And life becomes a magical playground where you can listen to your heart and trust that you are loved and supported beyond measure.

Here are a few ways you can step into the truth of your own worthiness and “good-enough-ness”:

1.  Give yourself permission to be done.

Each time you think of past pain or someone who wronged you, tell yourself, “I am SO done with that. I’m done telling the story. I’m done dignifying it with my attention. Done. Done. Done.” (Or, as I say humorously, “I’m Country-song done!”)

If you must be around someone unkind, still be done giving them your energy. Don’t respond to the unkind coworker about anything but work. Don’t change yourself because a family member worries endlessly about you. When someone wants to dump on you, silently remind yourself, “This is theirs to resolve.” You can offer advice if inspired—but you can also detach.

Give yourself permission to be done dignifying the darkness with your attention. It is only illusion.It means nothing about who you truly are.

2. Imagine pruning the cords.

Every day, picture yourself with pruning shears made of light. Scan your body and, if you sense a cord or branch draining your energy, snip it off.

This is a powerful visual metaphor for reclaiming your energy. In truth, we’re cutting away the beliefs and habits that let others “hook” us. Think of Velcro brand hook and loop tape.  If you trim off the loops, nothing can stick!

Similarly, when you know yourself as pure love in human form, and someone says, “You’re not good enough,” you’ll give them no more airtime than you’d give a tantrum-throwing two-year-old. But if you believe you must please others for love or validation, you’ll let their opinions shake you.

The practice of “pruning” helps us cut away those false beliefs.

3. Do a release ceremony.

Ceremony is a way to take invisible energies, represent them with physical objects and actions, and then transform them.

At the simplest level, you can write down unpleasant things people did or said and the conclusions you came to about yourself as a result. Then shred the paper.

Or you can go out in nature and gather stones that represent all the unkindnesses and injustices of your past. Fill a backpack or belly bag with them until they become too heavy to bear. Then, one by one, hold them to your heart and say, “I receive the blessing and the lesson, and I release the pain.”

Next toss the stone—preferably in a body of water if you’re around one, but anywhere if you are not. (Just make sure you aren’t going to hit anyone if you’re tossing it off a cliff!)

As we release the weight of the past, we step into a greater, truer version of ourselves. We stop defending our right to be. We stop dignifying unkind behaviors with attention. We stop overexplaining and overgiving, and we start living according to the beautiful purity of our own hearts.

We start communicating with kindness and dignity and trusting the right people, opportunities, and jobs to stay, while the wrong ones fall away.

We come to know, beyond doubt, we are loved and supported beyond measure. And that feels like home.

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